On That Morning...

That morning started no different than normal. After hitting snooze way too many times, I finally pulled myself together enough to raise out of bed. I can remember complaining that I had to wake up so early. I remember cursing having a job I had to go to. I remember being very ungrateful for a lot of things within the first 5 minutes of waking that morning. Nonetheless, I put myself in motion and prepared for my shower. Taking my time in the shower, I thought about the things I planned for that day as well as the rest of my week. Stepped out of the shower and finished my morning routine of brushing teeth and hair. Everything seemed so ordinary as I got dressed...until I noticed the missed calls on my phone.

I was immediately on guard. Everyone knows that it is almost pointless to call me before 9am. I returned the missed call from my aunt back...with caution. Initially, I was put at ease as she answered the phone in her normal calming tone and disposition. The ease was suddenly erased when she told me of the reason for her call. My mother had been experiencing irregular breathing the entire morning. I remember hearing my mother taking short and seemingly uncomfortable breathes in the background. I didn't know what to say or do in that moment. The fact that my aunt seemed so calm assured me that my mother was in good hands. I urged my aunt to keep me posted on what was going on. We ended the call.

I tried to operate as normal when I got to work. I got logged into my systems, but I didn't have any motivation to focus on work or even on Louisville. My mind was 5 hours away. I knew in my mind everything would be okay, but I couldn't shake the uneasy feeling that came over me. Then another call came.

Everything after this moment is “fuzzy”. I answered the phone while walking away from my desk area. My aunt still remained calm as she told me my mother had stopped breathing and that the paramedics were working on her. I remember becoming dizzy. The room seemed to spin for a moment. My stomach became unsettled. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t move. I felt helpless. My aunt was on the way to the hospital with my mother and would call me once she hears something. I understood but still unsure if I even answered anything she said. We ended the call.

One thing I knew in that moment is that I would be useless at work. I immediately went to my boss’s office and told him I needed to leave. I informed a few people close to me of what was going on then headed out of the office. I got to my car and experienced my first moment of breakdown. I tried so hard to hold things together, but being alone allowed me to drop that guard for a moment to release all the fear and helplessness and extreme anxiety.

I sat in a dark room waiting for what seemed like an eternity. There was nothing I could do. There was nowhere I could go. There was no one I could be with. A million thoughts running through my head. Constant prayer coming from my lips. My body is shaking. I’m sweating. My eyes are swollen. My head is hurting.

My cell phone rings!!! I’m not sure if it completes the first ring before I click answer. “She’s gone.” I heard the words, but my mind and my heart was not ready. I dropped to my knees. I covered my face with my free hand. My aunt attempts to console me through the phone, which her display of strength was truly remarkable as I knew she was in just as extreme of grief as I was. I was not in any shape for conversation at that moment. I may have heard every other word she said at one point. After a short period, we ended the call.

How could I NOT be there with her right now? What kind of son am I to be absent in this situation? What were her last thoughts of the son so far away? How could I miss her last moments?

I’m not sure if I’ve ever forgiven myself for not being there, and I doubt I ever will. I know that I miss you tremendously, Sherry Mason. It didn’t take long after that day to realize exactly how much of the small things you did for me without me asking and sometimes without me know that made such a BIG difference for me in my life. I am better because of you. You were my angel long before leaving this Earth.

8/31/2011